Morning buddy......I just want to leave a note here back on the subject of music. I know I mentioned there was a music thing over our camping weekend last week. I made notes, and will write more about that. But, I want to mention some songs that are constantly in my head. And, unlike the other songs from the camping weekend, I haven't heard these songs for years.
The first one, that plays almost constant in my head is a song by Sinnead O'Conner. I know you've heard of her , probably through vh1 or something, maybe saw something in one of our Rolling Stone mags that you always borrowed and read. Many, we just gave to you, because there was more of your music mentioned than ours. Anyway, the song is ' Nothing Compares to You '. I don't hear the whole song, just the refrain constantly in my brain.
Nothing compares
Nothing compares
.....to you
The other, is a lullaby we used to play you to put you to sleep at night when you were a baby. The version I keep hearing however, is The Beatles' version. But, I remember the day,...
You know, I read some of the blurbs your friends have written to you on your myspace page. Many of them think they know things, that I don't think they had that inside of information on. When they don't see you everyday, or on a more constant level, or talk to you the same way, they only got bits and pieces. It's just what you spilled to them during those conversations. Alot of what I read, I find they didn't get a follow up conversation, or couldn't , ( or it didn't ), go to round two of a conversation. Andrew would probably be the only one who had the constant contact and conversations with you. Other than myself that is.
As I was here, as were you , in your fortress almost constantly, there is no doubt, that I was the one who knew the most. And if anyone is to hold any guilt, it's me. I know there were things we should have talked more deeply about.....but I only said what I thought was necessary for the time, and left you with that and your own thoughts to deliberate on things. There...
You know as Mom and I are getting the nerve up to do what we have to with your room and your things, we look at our own possessions. I know I have, and she says she's in the same mode of thinking as I, that we are going to go through all our stuff also, and just thin and throw out. In my case, there are so many things I was saving for you. Things a Dad might save for his Son. As I get through all my stuff, I'll write more about that stuff. I guess I need to at least talk with you about it, since I'll never be able to physically hand it down to you now.
And I know in my stuff, I am also keeping some of your keepsake items. One example that quickly comes to mind.....I know out there in one of my boxes, I have my Grandpa's hunting knife. I was going to hand that down to you. And, that makes me think about your knives that I have. I'm not sure how many, but Mom and I bought you a few collectors knives over the...
That's all I got written down yesterday. There was more, but just didn't get myself down here to write. Mom and I took off for most of the day, as we've been doing. We try not to stay at home as much as we can. This doesn't sit very well with Farmor. Everything's getting to her. She doesn't like to be here any more than she has to either. She's upset that we haven't done anything with your room yet. Maybe if we ' removed ' your room, it would make her feel better, but it would be devastating - or I should say is going to be devastating - to Mom and I. Farmor, I guess, wants to try and erase things that make her think about you......whereas, Mom and I still need that. Not that we need the physicals. They just make it seem like your still here.....or I guess I should say, you're still around, because, you're always around. Oh my Superman, my friend, my Son.......life is so empty for me.
I tried to make plans with Jim this weekend, but his weekend was already scheduled. Thought maybe a night down...
Today is August the first. June, July, now entering August. But it still feels like June 12th. Every morning I awake with the same thing. I wish I could just disappear. Go someplace totally unfamiliar to me.........everything unfamiliar........the scenery, the faces and places. A place where at every turn, I don't expect to see you. I know I'm talking about something impossible, because I can't imagine myself exploring someplace new without you.
Any place I wanted to go, were places I wanted to take you. Can't revisit old places, 'cause I expect you by my side like the other times. Don't want to go any where ' cool ', because you won't be able to go with me.......out west, to the Black Hills or Grand Canyon, somewhere great on the ocean again.......You loved the ocean. Going back to Okefenokee or The Everglades, places I really love, will probably never happen for me. We must have gone to The Okefenokee half a dozen times. And of course the trip that included The Everglades was some of our best times.
I got to take a break.......see, this is all I can get done, before...
Morning..........didn't sleep well - again - last night. And, it was Wednesday night. Usually Thursdays and Fridays are my worse nights. Don't know what to do about it. Sleeping pills don't help.......Dad's even drinking a glass or two of wine in the evenings to help. Yeah, can you believe that, your Dad drinking. Sure the occassional holiday glass of wine.
You know, in a way, people treat us like lepers. They don't know what to say to us, so they just don't. But we can feel the eyes watching us........and it's kinds like, that's them....those are the ones. Or something like that.
Just out, Green Lantern animated movie. I know we would have at least rented it. Maybe you'd have gotten it , just for your collection.....?? Probably.
New Deep Purple dvd coming out. Highlights from shows and appearances between the years of !968 - 75. I get auto emails from their site, telling me of any upcoming news. That's how I heard about it. Not even excited about it. Can you believe that? Normally I'd be telling you about it, and then we'd enter into an hour long history lesson on...
I still run across some of your laundry. A couple t-shirts, some socks. There's still a basket of clothes in our room that neither of us has been able to empty out. It contains the last load of laundry I did, and has many of your clothes in it. Like your Superman pants, that you wore so often for pj's. I miss doing your laundry. Taking special care of your t-shirts....so many of which were favorites of yours. And boy oh boy, do you have a lot of them. We really kept you supplied , didn't we? Concert/band shirts, your MASH shirt we just got you this past Christmas, as you had really become a big fan these last couple years. Your Chris Cornell shirts. Those are from the one concert that you got to drive yourself to. I was so proud that night. My boy's going off to a concert.....taking his friends....driving his own car, that he searched out and bought with his own money...... Monster t-shirts and different sayings ones. And of course all the Superman shirts. Lots of Superman shirts !!! The ' Voice ' shirt. The shirt you wore in your...
You know every morning I want to tell you so many things, but I just can't get past the emotions. This morning was extremely hard. I couldn't stop myself from crying for almost two hours. I awoke around six, with tears rolling from my eyes. I don't remember it, but obviously another dream woke me.
Your hair brush, toothbrush, razor, etc......still sits in the bathroom right where you last left them. You know the cup I use to keep my toothbrush in, is the cup from that little Lion King set of yours from when you were a child. I've been using it for probably more than a dozen years. And, all those years, whenever I looked at it, it would remind me of that wonderful little boy I used to play with
I wish God would give me a 'bucket list' , so I knew exactly what it is I have to do. What I have to get done before He'll let me see you again.
I miss you. I'll talk to you in a little while...........love you, Dad
Well, it's Monday evening, Mom and I stayed an extra day...as we usually do ....right?
The weekend went okay, I guess. Did I tell you that Andrew backed out of going? Well actually, there was another change of plans. He and 'Big' Andrew drove up on Saturday. They got there around 5 or 6. We got a canoe and some kayaks, and hit the lake for a couple hours. Pretty nice. Relaxing. We saw some loons. We actually got pretty close to a pair who were out swimming. Saw a couple of heron also.
Sunday then, we went to what used to be called Jim Peck's, but is now known as Wildwood. Believe it used to be Jim Peck's Wildwood. Anyhow, that was nice. But at the same time, it was sad for me. I never got to take you there, and as always, I could see you next to me and in various places throughout the park.
One of the first animals Andrew went up to, was an albino deer. When he crouched down to pet it, I looked and saw you. He was in a position you would take, stroking the animal with love and gentleness...
I know I keep talking about how hard everyday things are. When I take a shower, I think of things like, ' Dad, can you get me a new bar of soap' ........'Dad, is there anymore shampoo?' ........'Dad, would you come in and restart the cd for me'.......
When I wash my own hair, I think of the last time I saw you........holding you, running my hands through your hair. I just held you. You were looking at me the whole time. Then I closed your eyes, told you how much I loved you, kissed you for the last time. Your last minutes here was just you and me. Then I went for a walk - to go be with Andrew - and when I returned, you were gone.
And I just keep looking for you. I listen hard to try to hear you calling me........for in my mind, that's all I hear, you calling for me. I'll be there as soon as I can Son........nobody seems to understand that that's where I need to be.
